So I have revamped the page a little cosmetically. It’s a little more pleasing to the eye now I feel. However, while I was prettying the page I didn’t bother to write anything. My bad. A lot has happened in a year. I started college last fall. Luckily, I don’t think I was the oldest person there, though it did seem like it at times. I am in the middle of my third semester now. My divorce will be final in a few weeks, though not without its fair share of drama.
Something else has happened in the last year. Something unexpected.
I met a guy.
You know how everyone says that you find someone when you stop looking? It would appear that is true.
We met in class, of all places. Isn’t that adorable? Usually when people say they met in college they’re, like, 19. Well, you can still meet people in college even at the ripe old age of 30.
So anyway…this guy.
It was the second day of the spring semester. I had just worked out at the gym on campus so I was not feeling any kind of attractive, not that I was trying to. Never having been in this particular building, I was just hoping I was walking into the right room. There was only one other person in the room. It was him. He didn’t look entirely sure he was in the right place either. It always seems more acceptable to be wrong if someone else is wrong with you.
I don’t remember exactly what he was wearing, but oh, my god. I saw him and, though I physically kept moving, I froze inside. He was so gut-wrenchingly alluring it almost physically hurt to look at him. Almost as though you didn’t really deserve to look for long, so you should just sneak sidelong glances because, let’s face it, you can’t not look. Just to see him for the first time was to know that this was someone of consequence, someone amazing.
He had dark hair and a beard and if I had to describe masculinity to someone, I would need only depict this guy. He was what a man is supposed to look like, broad of shoulder and every limb thick with muscle.
And we spoke. Granted, it was about whether or not we were in the right room, but still. And his voice was both commanding and seductive at the same time. The kind of voice that you wouldn’t mind hearing him read the dictionary, just as long as he was talking.
I may be getting sidetracked.
As other people began filing in, I took a seat in front and he sat behind me. I sat through this ungodly long Math class, just feeling this guy behind me and I could not think of one good nonchalant way to turn around and look at him again. My head was so fuzzy that I didn’t even get his name that day.
Class ended and over an hour’s worth of brainstorming reasons to talk to him went straight to hell as I went blank. I don’t remember what I said but I just started talking. I’m slightly horrified at myself now because I don’t think I had anything specific to say. Maybe something about if he had a class next. Despite my awkwardness, we unfolded into effortless conversation, though still somewhat laden with anxiety. I couldn’t help it, I still could barely allow myself to look directly at him for long.
We walked around what seemed like the entire campus. Somehow we seemed to already know each other. It was incredible. I was able to talk to him in a way that I just couldn’t speak to anyone else. We talked about weight lifting and nutrition and supplements, which lead me to show him where the gym was. He walked back to my car with me and we stood there and talked for over an hour. Star Wars, our shared disdain for stupid people, everything and nothing. It was easy and intoxicating.
He had classes at another campus that same day and I had to get home so we parted. He had parked on the other side of campus so he started walking and I drove off, taking care not to reveal the numerous car seats in the back of the car. It didn’t occur to me until later that I should have offered to drive him to his car. Dammit!
The next class day was canceled I believe due to snow. The following week I parked where he had parked the week before, but I didn’t see his car. I got to class and positioned myself in the seat next to the seat he had sat in the previous week. And I waited. The door kept opening and people who were not him kept coming in. And I waited. Class started and fifteen minutes went by. And I waited.
At this point I was in a state of panic. Oh, god, what if he dropped the class? He isn’t coming back and I have no way to get in touch with him. I was physically sick at this thought. Oh, no. Why?
Twenty five minutes passed by and I was thoroughly depressed, when the door opened and there he was. I tried hard to conceal my relief and excitement as he seated himself in the chair I had occupied last, in front of me. That meant I got to look at him all I wanted. And I did. And it was so good.
No, I was not listening to anything math related that day, as I was too busy studying the curve of his denim-clad thigh. I don’t want to say I was staring because that sounds creepy, but I may have been staring…some. I counted the earrings in each of his ears and noticed a tattoo of a pink lotus encircling his left elbow. I loved how at first glance this was a straight-laced, clean cut guy, but if you looked a little closer you could see some freak in him. The good kind.
After class, I teased him about coming in late. Trying to walk to the car was pretty funny, though. I parked where I knew he had parked, but he did the same thing so we were still across campus from each other. It really was funny. We went to his car and he drove me to mine. Again we spent about an hour talking in his car, which was the best by far. Appearance aside, this guy got me and he didn’t even have to try. Oddly, though, the more we talked the more I started to wonder if he might just be more intelligent than I am. I don’t know what to do with that.
We spent as much time together after classes as we could manage and even skipped a few just to be together longer. I found myself just trying to get to Tuesdays and Thursdays so I could see him. I cursed all the snow days we had since it seemed like they were mostly on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Eventually, I told him about the kids and he was ok with it. I couldn’t help but be awestruck by it all. Here was a guy so hot that girls would actually knock each other over just to date and he was extremely intelligent, and had no problem with kids, and actually liked me? What?
As time went by we got closer. We would go to class and then spend the next few hours talking. At times I would marvel at how lucky I was. I had had no intention of dating anyone but here the perfect man had fallen into my path and he was everything and more than I had ever wanted. He is absolutely incredible and I will tell anyone who asks. Even some who don’t.
The only issue was that we actually live about sixty miles apart. It wasn’t a big deal during school because we saw each other at least twice a week. I dreaded the end of the semester because I didn’t know what would happen. I had good reason to worry. It has been rough. We’re doing good to see each other once a week these days. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t wished he was with me. I miss him constantly.
I’m not so sure the old adage is entirely accurate. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and all. I would paraphrase it to say ‘Distance sucks and missing you hurts.’ I would do anything in the world for him if he only would ask, but as with any relationship there are going to be some hiccups, mistakes, and oversights. I’m afraid I have been the cause of a lot of these. The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say. It rips my soul to know I have had any part in causing him anguish or even mild anxiety, let alone that I was the sole cause. I love him desperately and I can’t ever see that changing. I just hope he knows.
Oh, and I did eventually get his name.
He is J.
And he is mine.